Fear: The deadly effects of not loving yourself fully

Disclaimer Note: I do not support IFB churches, I no longer agree with them and I think many churches and/or organized religions are around to control people. I know Hyles Anderson College is not accredited and I don’t consider it a real college now. I went to HAC from 1997 -2001) since I was a Christian at the time. Since I started at an IFBC at age 16 (1992), I was brainwashed into thinking that only IF B churches were “real” churches. After hours and hours of questioning what I truly believed (or didn’t believe) I became an atheist in Feb 2013.  I will be adding this this disclaimer to each post I have written so people know where I stand now.

Since my mom raised me to basically think for myself and she allowed me to “figure out what I should believe about god or GOD” and I have to thank her for this.

I became a born again Christian at the age of 16. If you’d ask me now, I’d say that was a phase. I made that decision based upon FEAR. I was afraid to go to a place called Hell with fire in it. Sure, I knew I wasn’t perfect. I knew I did wrong. I had admitted that I was a “sinner”. This is when it all began for me, when I was 16. I wasn’t asking questions by the age of 16, like I was when I was 12. I asked many more questions about what god is or what god could be at the age of 12.

Once I started in the IFB church, I got really preachy. I mean I started to preach to my own parents by the age of 17, telling them they are sinners and they are going to go to hell if they don’t get “right with God“. My mom and dad put me in my place as any good parents should do. I was so young and my mind wasn’t really ready to deal with all of the questions that one should ask “Why do you believe WHAT you believe” and “Don’t use circular reasoning”.

So, I went on believing that I was a sinner from 1991-2008. I believed Jesus was a real man on earth from 1991-2011. The big thing is what I was told about “others” that are not IFB’s.  We were NOT only told that “devil worshipers” were going to hell, we were taught that anyone outside the IFB would go to hell. And we were told that YOGA is “of the devil”.  What was I to do? Question that right?  Well, at age 17, I didn’t question that. That was 1992.

In 2003, I got heavily interested into the third eye Chakra. I started to read up on this Chakra to  find out how I could develop it. I was still very much a “born again” Christian and I was still very much “IFB”.  But I guess I may have been considered the “black sheep” of Christianity since I was “dabbling” in sin.  I mean, I was reading things that were “of the devil” The “new age” movement is “devil-ish”.  Oh, the horror of reading this stuff!!! I continued to read about this for about a year. I then read about the nine different worldly dimensions. I was pretty damn “open minded” for an IFB born again Christian. I questioned some things, but not all. I certainly didn’t question “God” in 2003.

In my teenage years starting in 1988, I was doing yoga stretches for my hip. And I loved doing them. Was that sin? Well, back in 1988 when I was 13, I didn’t think my yoga stretches was “sin”. I looked at my yoga stretches as just that – YOGA STRETCHES.  I didn’t look at them as “devil worship”. like I was told when I was 17.

By 2011, something allowed me to find a person that was into yoga. Was that “something” a “god”? I don’t know.  I’m an atheist now.  But I’m so thankful I meet my therapist. I started to open up to my therapist and I  started to notice something. The flow of the sessions were jiving nicely with “me”. I put “me” in quotation marks since I believe in the concept of non-duality and I don’t believe I’m separate from anything. The sessions really spoke to me, I seemed to find a belief system that agreed with me.

See, from a Christian belief system, man is separate from a “god” due to his/her sin. And man can’t be “next to” a ‘god’ due to this sin. It is like a wall of separation. In the Christian world, you only get rid of that wall when you admit YOU did wrong and YOU need to be saved by something a god created. This god created sin, evil, hell, hate, anger and even turned his back on his own son! When YOU admit YOU did wrong (sin) then that wall of separation is gone and now you can god are on the level playing field.  Wait. But are you really??????  Umm. . No.  You are still “not god” and you still have to “read the Bible” and you still have to “pray” and the best one  yet!  You still have to ask for “the mind of Christ” so you are not a carnal Christian.  We don’t want any CARNAL Christians out there do we – oh heaven forbid that! Worldly Christians . .. NOOO!

From a non-duality point of view, you don’t need a god for anything.  From a non-duality point, there is no “god” that is separate from you or outside of you. There is no need to be “saved”.  No need to be saved from “sin” or “hell”. And the best part of this non-duality is YOU are the essence of truth. YOU. You are the light of the world. And so is your brother, So is your neighbor. So is your son, your daughter, your mother, your father. Everyone has this same “light” or same “living consciousnesses”  in all of us.  Others are your equal.  In this world view, everyone is in one family. It is not like “saved” VS “unsaved” nor the idea that only “born again Christian’s” are “God’s children” and the non-saved are “the devil’s children” (born of flesh).

Many that are into non-duality also practice YOGA. Some practice the exercises, some do the breaths, and some do the poses (which are very hard, I’m no human pretzel!).

Fear cripples the soul and a person’s body.  It makes you die inside. And I have to come to terms with something. Do you know what it is?

Well, from the Christian point of view . . .Yoga and Chakra cleansing is part of either Satan worship or just “not Godly”.  From the practical point of view Yoga could be viewed as very highly spiritual and NOT ONLY highly spiritual, but also IRRATIONAL!!!!

Do atheists view exercise as “irrational”?  Probably not. Some atheists probably do consider all forms of spirituality as “purely irrational”.     I desire to be accepted fully into some group. And I FEAR that I’ll  be accepted into neither group.

Since being re-introduced into the Chakras in 2011, I have come to realize this is right up my alley. I also enjoy walking and really feeling the ground under my feet to ground myself. I enjoy touching trees.  I’m not sure if it is worshiping, and may be it is more of a respect for nature. I looked into paganism very briefly and I found out that is not for me. I just can’t believe in many gods.  I’m really a skeptic about Jesus being real. I have read that there are pagan atheists, but I’m not one of them.

I’m not a Christian, nor a theist. But I’m into Yoga. I’m looking into Kundalini Yoga now. ( I can’t sit Indian style since the age of 13).  I also believe that there is something that is common in all of us. I don’t mean ’emotions’. I’m talking about something much much deeper and wider.  What is that? I don’t know.  It is a deep feeling of peace that I get when I meditate and that feeling only comes when I’m in an area of what Eckhart Tolle calls “No thought”. When I’m there, I feel complete with all that is and all that was and all that will be.

When I tap into that feeling, I want more of it. I don’t pray to any gods or god when I meditate. I just watch the thinker. What is that feeling? Am I tapping into what some may call “GOD”??

I also enjoy looking at the moon. My sun sign is Cancer and my ruling planet is the Moon. (I know, the moon is not a planet, but in astrology, it is called a “ruling planet”). I have been very drawn to the moon since I was little girl.  I also learned back in 2003 that the Cancer is ruled by the stomach area of the body or is it the breasts or is it both? I’m not sure which one it is. But I’ve always been very “drawn” to both those areas.  So, there is some truth in astrology.

I don’t know what that wonderful feeling is when I tap into it.  I fear that atheists will not accept me. And I fear that if I don’t have a group to belong to, then, I guess . . . .I’ll just . . . . I don’t know. I don’t know what I think will happen to me if I don’t feel accepted.  I need to learn to accept who I am.  Label or no label. I need to love myself, all of myself.


4 thoughts on “Fear: The deadly effects of not loving yourself fully

  1. Why does it matter? I prefer William Glasser’s Choice Theory – you make your choices in your life and let all the rest of it play out however. Anything that forces you to do/act/believe – run away as fast as you can and never look back.

    • William Glasser? Choice Theory? Oh, I need to look him up, never heard of him. I love learning about new people and new theories. Well, the theory is not new, it’s just new to me. thanks Betty!

  2. Great post. Each of us must follow our own path. I think spirituality, however defined, can play an important part in our lives. It has taken me five years to reach this place. For the longest time I couldn’t bear to read anything remotely religious or spiritual. My past experiences had poisoned the well. Now, I find myself yearning for that which atheism can not supply. I am not seeking a god, however I do desire to practice and understand those things that can possibly speak to me at a deeper level than intellectual atheism.

    • Thanks Bruce! I really like your blogs and I learn from others from people like you that used to be Christian. I guess we can learn from each other.

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