Since about 4 weeks ago I have been experiencing something very new to me. Now it has been a long long time since I experienced having anxiety when I was driving to work. That car accident I had was in 2003.
What I became aware of (around Christmas) was that I seem to be tense in social situations where I am in a group of people – such as a board meeting or in another group setting. The feeling is not painful at all, but it is a very strange feeling indeed. What I notice is that it feels as if my entire body is shaking. . but my body is NOT shaking. But it feels like it is. Since I don’t have epilepsy, it is very hard for me to say “It feels like an epileptic seizure is about to start”. How can I say that? I don’t know what it is like to have epilepsy and I don’t know what it is like for a seizure to come on.
So. . .I have come to the conclusion that what I am experiencing is nothing more than social anxiety. I notice it when I am speaking, when all eyes are on me or when I am leading a group this “internal” twitching feeling starts. But again, you can’t SEE my body shake. I feel it in my hands and arms the most. It is very WEIRD, but I also feel it in my brain! And it usually happens in a group setting. If I’m alone OR if I’m in a group but the focus is not on me, I’m fine.
Now my only question is about withdrawal symptoms of Sertraline or Zoloft. Since I was using it from late 2003 to Jan 2012 . . . .(and then for some really odd reason I decided to go back on it in July 2012 . .. I probably decided to go back on it due to this very reason – the withdrawal symptoms. . .some would say that 5 months of not taking it IS not withdrawal symptoms) . .so back on track. . .
Where was I???? I’m wondering if this internal twitching in my brain is those brain zaps that I read about so many time when weaning off of Zoloft? Again, not painful. Just weird feeling and I wish I wish I wish (yes I did say “wish” three times) I could control this internal sensation. I hate it. Of course some psychiatrist would say “Well go back on the SSRI and that will help it since an SSRI will help you with anxiety”. Precisely what I don’t want to do. I don’t want to be on SSRI anymore. That is why I started to wean off of my medication (again) in October 2013. I haven’t taking any medication since Dec 2013. I was ONLY taking the medication for 5 days before my period. (This is why I was so angry – my former doctor made out like severe PMS is a mental illness and it’s not. The big fat white men on the DSM-IV board VOTED in premenstrual women having hormonal imbalances as now ”having a mental illness”).
So I can’t control what some group of big fat white rich men do on some DSM board. I can’t control what my doctor does or says or believes. I can only state clearly that I do not want to be on any medication for my anxiety – or whatever symptom I present.
And I did just that. I had my appointment today with this new doctor and so far so good. I really liked her today. I can’t say what will happen when I see her in 4 weeks. This lady was much more forthcoming in the truth with current psychiatry, and she said something like “I don’t know what to tell you since we don’t currently have bio markers for mental illness just like you said” and I was trying to say “But wouldn’t it be wonderful if we did have some that way we can prove it with a blood test!” She just seemed to be more accepting of the fact that I don’t want to be on medications and she didn’t make a frown face when I told her that I don’t want to be on medication. (My other doctor made a frown face whenever I told her that I don’t want to be on medication anymore and that non-verbal communication was enough for me to not want to work with her).
I gave this new doctor a complete list of all of my past trauma (the one that is posted up on this blog) and she actually wanted to keep it. I’m impressed! My other doctor didn’t want to read anything that I gave her. This one seems more open. The only thing I forgot to ask this doctor was her education and where she went to school and if she had any special training’s in holistic psychotherapy and if she knows about OR has an interest in the Chakras or any interest in eastern philosophy. I guess I will have to ask that next time.
As for my internal twitching feeling, I guess when I wake up at 6am I need to meditate first thing in the morning. If I don’t do it first thing at 6am, I won’t do it and why 6am? My mom wakes up at 6:30am.
One link for more reading on internal twitching feeling that I found interesting. I don’t think I have this though.